Sunday, March 14, 2010

Early Morning Thoughts

Well, it's rather early in the morning, or late at night, depending on how you view it. I can't sleep, which is usual when my mind is racing. So updating after a year off seemed appropriate. If this does not make sense or if there are grammatical errors, well thpppt, don't be so picky, I may be awake but I'm insanely tired and my eyes hurt.

Things have not been fun in the past year. Lots of joy but lots of unpleasantness. And the crappy thing of having no one to call a "best friend" or anyone to completely open up to means I've been fighting my problems all on my own. Which has been very, very hard emotionally. Frankly I'm spent and absolutely fed up and just, well, done. I'm done. There is so much shit I can't deal with anymore. And no, smarten up, I'm not talking about offing myself. I'm talking about making huge changes in my life.

There are a few things I have painfully decided to do to help improve life as it is. Easiest thing, I need to rid myself of physical junk that's disorganizing my daily life. Second, I've decided to change jobs to regain my sanity and feeling of self-worth. Third, when it comes to friends I've realized that there are certain people I can't pretend are still part of my life. It will be hard since I'm awful at ending bad relationships, but I need to purge certain people from my life who have emotionally hurt me one too many times. Fourth, I need to re-connect with those that do care for me and maintain that connection. Fifth, I've re-examined how fulfilled my life is and huge changes need to be made to try and get back on track. Sixth, and associated with number five, I need to figure out what is going on with my future, with my boyfriend (we can't agree on where to move to once we escape this city), with my career, and with my life expectations in general. And at number seven, I need to attempt to rebalance myself to improve my overall health. Not just physically. I do understand that I have some gained weight over the last few years but weight is not everything. Those who do strive to starve themselves and exercise to sheer exhaustion just to "look good" need to learn to appreciate themselves more and realize that there are people who loved them for who they are on the inside. Corny, I know, but so damn true. Mentally and emotionally I'm feeling unhealthy, if that makes sense, and need to improve the way I view and handle life.

A good little laundry list to start off and it's gonna be hard but so extremely needed and worth it in the end.