Early Morning Thoughts

Well, it's rather early in the morning, or late at night, depending on how you view it. I can't sleep, which is usual when my mind is racing. So updating after a year off seemed appropriate. If this does not make sense or if there are grammatical errors, well thpppt, don't be so picky, I may be awake but I'm insanely tired and my eyes hurt.

Things have not been fun in the past year. Lots of joy but lots of unpleasantness. And the crappy thing of having no one to call a "best friend" or anyone to completely open up to means I've been fighting my problems all on my own. Which has been very, very hard emotionally. Frankly I'm spent and absolutely fed up and just, well, done. I'm done. There is so much shit I can't deal with anymore. And no, smarten up, I'm not talking about offing myself. I'm talking about making huge changes in my life.

There are a few things I have painfully decided to do to help improve life as it is. Easiest thing, I need to rid myself of physical junk that's disorganizing my daily life. Second, I've decided to change jobs to regain my sanity and feeling of self-worth. Third, when it comes to friends I've realized that there are certain people I can't pretend are still part of my life. It will be hard since I'm awful at ending bad relationships, but I need to purge certain people from my life who have emotionally hurt me one too many times. Fourth, I need to re-connect with those that do care for me and maintain that connection. Fifth, I've re-examined how fulfilled my life is and huge changes need to be made to try and get back on track. Sixth, and associated with number five, I need to figure out what is going on with my future, with my boyfriend (we can't agree on where to move to once we escape this city), with my career, and with my life expectations in general. And at number seven, I need to attempt to rebalance myself to improve my overall health. Not just physically. I do understand that I have some gained weight over the last few years but weight is not everything. Those who do strive to starve themselves and exercise to sheer exhaustion just to "look good" need to learn to appreciate themselves more and realize that there are people who loved them for who they are on the inside. Corny, I know, but so damn true. Mentally and emotionally I'm feeling unhealthy, if that makes sense, and need to improve the way I view and handle life.

A good little laundry list to start off and it's gonna be hard but so extremely needed and worth it in the end.

Taking a moment

I am working on spreadsheets at the moment. At work of course. Mind numbing is the work that pops up when working on such spreadsheets. Mind. Numbing.

Contemplating my life while working on said spreadsheets, I need more. Of not just one thing in particular, there are many aspects where, thinking about it, I just need more.

Sigh

I keep a journal of sorts on my desk at work. Any time I do something out of the ordinary or of importance I write it down, by date, and sometimes colour-coded. I also keep every email and document that passes me by, all organized in specific, easily searchable folders. I learned many years ago to "cover my ass", hence my uber-organization at work. And it has paid off. What brings this up is that today I reached over, pulled my journal/notepad towards me, picked up my trusty (and occasionally disappearing) pen, and on a new line wrote "rubbed temples". People at work sometimes baffle me so much that I need to express in writing my exasperation.

To remedy this I am going to go for lunch. There is a little place in Chinatown called "Veggie House". It is a small little stand that I recently discovered with the help of Swerve magazine. The meals are very good and usually provide me with two lunches. I could eat the whole thing in one sitting, but then I am left insanely stuffed and regretting such a delicious decision (only made this mistake once). And, being one who enjoys new experience, if anyone else knows of more vegetarian restaurants in Calgary that I may not have found, by all means please pass on your knowledge :)

Odd thought

I'm sitting at my computer. I'm cold (the computer is in the basement), tired, bored, it's very snowy and cold outside, and my boyfriend is still at work so I have no one to bug. I find it odd that my first thought is "I should go to the gym". So that is what I am doing. It has been awhile since I've gone. I opted out of using the gym at our resort and instead took many, many long walk along the beach in the shoreline. Which is exercise enough when the water rushing in tries to knock you over constantly :)

Odd feelings

At this moment I feel anxious, and my stomach is knotting up. I have no idea why. Overall I do not feel less of a zombie today than I did when I last posted. But all of a sudden I feel anxious. My best theory is that I have so much on my mind and so many things that I need to accomplish that, even though on the outside I feel in control and on track, a little part of me deep down inside is freaking out. Not only about the menial things I need to accomplish, but about me. My life decisions. Lately I've been greatly reconsidering my life. Where am I going, what am I doing, what do I want to do, where do I want to be, why can't I figure any of this out, did I make the right decision, can I change things, why am I so afraid..... and so on and so on.

Besides my inward freaking out and constant questioning, this weekend should be enjoyable. I've finally started going back to the gym and I am overjoyed. I actually love going to the gym. I thought it would take awhile for me to fall back into it, but after one session with the fitness instructor (I get three sessions at the start of the membership) I really just want to ditch her and dive right in. Almost two years ago I stopped going to the gym, started a desk job, and started dating a wonderful man who feeds me well. All this happened pretty much the same time and I am not afraid to admit that I have gained 30 pounds since the summer of 2007. So I am now pretty much the same if not heavier than I was in high school. I definitely do carry it better though than in high school, and manage to still look damn sexy doing so ;)

Alas, it is time to fit back into my little dresses and my skirts, how I miss them so. So tonight I have session 2 with the instructor and tomorrow morning when my man leaves for work I will go in for a solo session before I begin my ritual Saturday cleaning. On Sunday hopefully we can head over to Nellie's (no kitchen still so might as well go out :D ), then a long walk as the weather will be nice, and the Health Fair will be stuck into those plans at some point this weekend. Should be a very full and yet relaxed weekend :)

Tuesday Randoms

I hate voicemail!!! Well, I like it but I usually sound like a babbling idiot when I leave a message.

Today I do not feel so great. I'm feeling very light headed, tired, and completely out of it. Makes working fun :) Frankly I feel like a zombie, which is the reason I have "Living Dead Girl" stuck in my head. My mind may not be functioning at the moment, but at least it picked a good song.

I made pizza last night and managed not to burn it on the BBQ (go me!). It was a great supper and will also make a good lunch.

As well I got rooked into finally getting back to a gym last night. It's a women's gym with a pretty good layout. And the advanced/free weights area seems very unused which is perfect for me. It was a good deal but I do feel bad since I wanted to join a gym with my boyfriend. But I am tired of waiting for him to decide (one week it's yes, the next it's no, then yes, then no.....). So I figured, most of this membership is going to be written off by work anyways, so I can get us the x30 passes for the community center as well and we can go together when he does finally have time.

Right, now I'm hungry. Time to warm up the pizza :)

Afterthought: Where did January go? Really, this year is just flying by.

Unusual "friend"

I have a friend on Facebook whom I have never met. Actually I think he has no idea who I am, especially since he has over 2000 friends. He requested me to add him quite awhile ago and the only reason I added him was because he is a chef. From Ireland, he is a well travelled chef who has a website, with a friend, that provides online video recipes and cooking tutorials. I'm sure I was added just to plug his website and help further his career, but hey who am I to complain. He is very charismatic and provides many delicious recipes with a love for the food that can only be expressed by a real chef. Yay food!!!